Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Videogames are better than Magic the Gathering

"The game has an important social aspect to it!": Would anyone really want to socialize with people that openly discuss dragons and mages over brunch? Would you honestly want to go barhopping with someone who wears a cloak and carries plastic deck holders? The only reason why Magic players aren’t subject to systematically executed beat downs is that you have to be careful they’re not carrying Lord of the Rings replica weapons. Its better to pick on Trekkies…there’s no way those dorks can shiv you with a toy phaser…

"I collect the cards for the artwork!": Seriously, you’re fucking kidding right? Sure some talented artists worked at airbrushing a wizard and shit, but if you’re looking to explore art than why would you pay three bucks for a stack of pictures that take up half a card. I enjoy art, but you don’t see me dorkily toting around Monet’s on 3.5x2.5” pieces of paper. I mean do you realize how stupid you would sound? “Hey guys! Check out this sick holographic Picasso I got, can’t wait to put it in my avant-garde deck. Man this is gonna fuck up Dab’s post-impressionist deck and nullify that retarded Van Gogh’s Ear artifact of his!”…never mind, I would probably play this…Dabs call me…I have an interesting business proposition for you…

"The game demands strong reasoning skills as it has a strategical/mathematical aspect to it!": This is just stupidity on a gargantuan scale. Are you really going to sit there with a straight face and tell me that you play Magic for the strategy? You’re tapping and untapping collectable cards that you purchased! The nerdy dipshit with the most money gets an unfair advantage, where’s the strategy in that? Why not play Chess, while depicted as geeky in nearly all films, at least Chess is honorable. If I wanted to engage in a hobby where money corrupts fair competition, I’d run for an election or follow professional sports. Strategy my ass! And math? You’re going to defend a games importance because it’s mathematical? Fuck that, if you like math go freshen up on your calculus or something. Exploring L’hopitals rule and assembling a paper troll army are two different things.

"You just don’t like Magic because you suck at it!": No, I don’t like Magic because it’s a pointless waste of money. I do suck at it don’t get me wrong, but there are a million things that I’m terrible at that I enjoy doing…like women.

Now that I’ve preempted these ridiculously pointless arguments, I can get down to business. Based on my extensive research, playing Magic the Gathering is similar to being doused with radioactive waste; the longer the exposure, the more harm is done to your social life. I wrote this Rant to sell my Exposure Theory. With that in mind I fashioned up this nifty little chart. Thanks to people at Homeland Security for giving me something to base my chart off from. I can only pray my threat levels turn into the overblown media fuckfest that yours were...

No Exposure:

Pretty self-explanatory. It has been scientifically proven that exposure to Magic and success in life are inversely related. These people will live normal happy lives ignorant to the scourge that is Magic the Gathering. They're likely to have sex four to five times a week and make six figures.

Low Exposure:

If Magic the Gathering is volcanic eruption of senseless rules and mindless fantasy than people with low exposure are the tragic, ash coated victims of Pompeii. These poor saps played Magic once or twice because everyone else was doing it…an ill thought decision that is likely to haunt them for the rest of their lives. Whereas those severely exposed and highly exposed accept Magic into their lives on some level, a low exposure case has shunned the game but still wears it like a brand of shame. When asked about Magic, it is very possible that they will lie, turn away in dishonor, or simply break down and cry. The harsh truth that they have once handled this abomination is nothing short of traumatic.

High Exposure:

This category is composed of people who have played this ridiculous card game for years, but somehow manage to appear normal…science is still searching for an explanation. If people severely exposed to magic are scum-sucking vampires forced into the dark depths of night to avoid societies blinding light of ridicule, than those highly exposed are the daywalkers. A common side effect of high exposure is living a double life. Those highly exposed may have lied their way into relationships, may pretend to be average employees, and may possibly be members of your own family…everyone is suspect. These people live a normal life until they run into another Magic player, and then violently undergo a werewolf-like transformation into card geek. Wanna see if someone you know is at risk? Hold a rare card in front of their face for 20 seconds. If they start to twitch or foam at the mouth, you’re looking at a high exposure case. It’s not too late to save someone in this scenario, but extensive rehab is needed

Severe Exposure:

A person who is severely exposed to Magic the Gathering still plays this pointless paper game today and will defend it passionately…if not violently from the slightest criticism. People in this category have most likely made two to three of the arguments I touched base on in the beginning of this Rant. To them, Magic is a lifestyle that’s fits neatly between work, weekend LARPing expeditions, and public ridicule. People in this category will openly discuss the benefits of assembling particular decks with anyone who will listen, and generally are seen socializing with people ½ their age as young children are the only demographic na├»ve enough to pay attention to their mindless drivel. They generally appear unkempt, and oftentimes smell like a truck stop bathroom as showering is a minor concern when orcs and goblins are lurking everywhere. It is without question that the only boobs people of this category will see are those drawn onto their paper obsession; on a side note, these people are the number one purchasers of fleshlights and pocket vaginas, as living in an imaginary world their whole life has condemned them to imaginary sex with plastic genitals…they probably fantasize about fucking an elf something.

At any rate I feel as though I've dragged this out long enough, but I believe I've at least made a solid argument for why Magic the Gathering sucks. Sorry to half the PtP readers for this Rant...well not really...it just seemed to be appropriate after being such a dick...

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