WATCHING ANIME MAKES YOU SMARTER, LESS LIKELY TO GET LAID

Watching anime makes you smarter, at least that’s what scientists at Vancouver’s Chinese Cartoonology Centre claim in a new study they just released. “We spent over a year studying University students who watched Chinese cartoons,” says lead researcher Dr. Ryu Kittenme. “Our research shows that these students gained one IQ point for every twenty hours of Chinese cartoons they watched.”

Dr. Kittenme says that this gain in intelligence had a price. “Unfortunately, for every IQ point they gained, our test subjects lost one potential sex partner. Simply put, people who watch too many Chinese cartoons become highly intelligent but unloveable trolls that repel the opposite sex. This is true for both men and women. Watching anime makes you smarter, but it also murders your sex life.”

Many Chinese cartoon fans say they’re not surprised by the study. “I used to struggle at school, but then I started watching the anime masterpiece Legend of the Overfiend on repeat. These days I’m at the top of my class,” says 24 year old University student David Durkheim. “Unfortunately, ever since I started my anime study regimen, women find me repulsive. I’m not sure if the price was worth it.”

Dr. Kittenme says he hopes to discover a way of neutralizing the negative effects of watching anime. “Getting smart shouldn’t come at the cost of getting off,” says the doctor. “We know how to raise people’s intelligence, now we just have to figure out how to do that without destroying their sex lives.”